The rollercoaster of pandemic emotions

I’ve been struggling with a lot of different emotions lately...as we all are. We’re in the middle of a global pandemic, after all. I just finished listening to another amazing Brené Brown podcast (Unlocking Us) with Dr. Marc Brackett who just came out with a new book “Permission to Feel.” I’ve been especially fascinated lately by all of Brené’s research on vulnerability, shame, authenticity, and courage. Listening to her new podcasts and reading/rereading her books has been helping me focus on things I can change (my relationship to myself and my own reactions/perceptions of the world) and really helping me to feel a sense of calm and positive connection. I love that she comes at emotions and feelings from a scientific, research based perspective. Somehow it makes it all seem more “real.” From what they talked about in the podcast, Dr. Brackett’s book sounds like it’s in same realm, and I can’t wait to read. He’s also the Founding Director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. How cool is it that Yale has a Center for Emotional Intelligence?! 

A couple things they talked about during this podcast really hit home for me with what I’ve been going through during the pandemic. Marc and Brené (I guess we’re all on a first name basis now...) both talk about emotion regulation and that those who are best at regulating their emotions don’t suppress or ignore what they’re feeling. Brené always says that emotions don’t just “go away.” You need to go through the feeling; ignoring and bottling it up will only make it worse when it comes back to bite you in the end. This is something I’ve learned over the years, but it’s a nice reminder to hear it from the science people with lots of degrees and titles around their names. Marc has a great quote in the podcast about the ultimate acceptance of your feelings- “You can be with the feeling and not let that feeling have power over you. That’s the ultimate form of acceptance of that feeling.” 

Another one of Brené’s topics in the podcast is DEFINITELY relevant to my rollercoaster of pandemic emotions...comparative suffering. We often give our own struggles less value because we perceive that others have it worse than we do. Brené says, “Comparative suffering is a bankrupt idea because empathy and compassion are not finite. Everyone’s hurt matters.” Thank you, Brené! Now that you mention it, I guess what someone else is going through really doesn’t have anything to do with what’s going on inside of me, and I should give myself “permission to feel” (see what I did there? Marc’s book title!) everything I’m feeling. Marc calls the feelings that come out of comparative suffering “meta-emotions” or feelings about your feelings. We’re feeling shame or anxiety about the feelings that were feeling! In order to help process any emotion you’re having, meta or not, Marc suggests to do some digging and try to figure out why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling. Writing about what you’re feeling is extremely helpful (which has always been my favorite way to untangle particularly complicated emotions). The goal is to label the real feeling you’re having (and figure out why) which means you’ll have an easier time dealing with it. Labeling = power. 💪🏼 Talking about what you’re feeling with another trusted human (friend or family member) can also help to untangle those super knotted emotions. My mom has always told me that communication is key, and it was so interesting to apply this principle to myself and my own emotions instead of just to my relationships with others (which is usually what she’s telling me to do when she reminds me the importance of communication). I need to be communicating with MYSELF first. If I’m not accurately processing ALL of my own emotions, Brené and Marc both agree that I won’t be able to be my authentic self with those I love. Wow. We all need to be able to understand and communicate with ourselves first, even if that communication (our feelings) is difficult or even contradictory sometimes. We’re only (wonderfully) human, after all. Hopefully we can carry the skills we’re learning now to deal with all these complicated, contradictory emotions that are coming up as a result of the pandemic into future times. What a wonderful world to be able to coexist with other humans who can understand, process, and communicate their emotions effectively and with empathy. Authenticity for all!

I’ll keep working on it. 😊

“Have you ever written anything before?”

“Well, have you?” This is what my college advisor (and one of my fave professors) said to me as I was siting in his office junior year asking for him to sign off on me taking a creative writing class that was usually reserved for freshmen and sophomores. “I mean, not really, I guess. Other than papers and stuff...and I write in my journal...? But I love writing and I’d like the opportunity to do more!” 

....He sent me packing and told me to pick a class that made more sense for my interests. I was SOPISSED. (No typo there, I was so mad SOPISSED is all one word.) He’s still one of my fave professors to this day, but what the hell, dude?! Aren’t you supposed to be inspiring!? You just stomped on my dreams! Humph. Who was he to tell me what I did and didn’t like...

Well, fast forward to a couple months ago when I started this post (and never finished) and realized that he wasn’t telling me I didn’t want to write, he was CHALLENGING me to write. Duh, Stephanie. He was hoping I’d go home and furiously write the next great American novel and plop it down on his desk. And then he would have signed off so I could have registered for that creative writing class. But, I didn’t. I fumed for a while and then went about my life as it was. And now, all these years later, I’m finally starting to write. I guess it just wasn’t time back then. Maybe I needed to live a little more life first before I started pouring it all out...who knows. All I know is that it’s time to write now. 

As you can probably figure out from what I’ve been writing these past few weeks, I’ve been struggling. Not a lot. Not even close to the way a lot of people are struggling in so many different ways around the world right now, but I’m definitely struggling. I’ve been listening furiously to Brené Brown’s podcasts (which you should listen to), and just devoured Glennon Doyle’s new book Untamed (which you should read)...hoping to bring some fullness and understanding to the way I’ve been feeling. But, mostly it’s just been numbness. And naps. I’ve been trying to write a blog post all day and I haven’t known what to write about. I feel like I’ve been trying to do something for a long time (like, years) and haven’t known what. I’ve been getting lots of little clues here and there, but the giant, brilliant, clarifying idea for my life’s work STILL hadn’t fallen out of the sky and onto my head. WTF, Universe? I’ve been trying little things here and there, but this blog is really the only thing that has stuck and it’s the only thing that has felt like I’m taking a step in the right direction. Writing these blog posts just feels...right. Apparently. Anyway, today I woke up late, took the dogs for a walk (productive), ate breakfast at lunchtime (sort of productive), napped for 2 hrs (not productive, but trying to be gentle with myself and not judge too much), read a bunch of different things for a couple hours (productive) but kept getting really distracted (not productive), worked out a little (productive but half-hearted), took the dogs for another hour-long walk (productive! And made me feel a lot better...), cooked dinner, and then I watched a couple of Glennon Doyle’s morning meetings on Instagram. The first one was this one from this morning:

https://www.instagram.com/tv/B_SMqhzjPrr/?igshid=1462utvbaozr8

This one definitely hit home, especially since I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to be a woman in today’s society and questioning why I feel the way I feel about so many things... I sent it to my mom and then I watched this one...

https://www.instagram.com/tv/B_NBWjvDiqQ/?igshid=7g2z479796kx

And BAM. I’m sobbing at my kitchen table over my (delicious) zucchini and meatballs. She literally made this post FOR. ME. (Bet you didn’t know that, but thanks, Glennon!)  “People who aren’t writers don’t wonder all day if they’re a writer...ok?” Oh, my God, Glennon. You’re right. You’re so right! Thank you for dropping this post out of the sky and onto my head. This post was EXACTLY the spark I needed. Guess what, Professor Billings...I’M A WRITER. AND I’M GONNA WRITE! I’ve been thinking about it literally for over a DECADE, and, yes, Glennon, I am “wildly envious” of other writers. How did you know!? NOTHING hurts like the thing we know we could do if we were a little bit braver. Amen, sister. All I can say is, thank you, Glennon for being the final bright red flashing arrow to help me understand that this is something I need to do. It may have taken me years, but I’m ready to plop down that next great American novel. Except it’s not going to be for Professor Billings, it’s going to be for me. So, #daybyday. I’m gonna avoid deathbed regret. Starting now. ✌🏼

It’s Time to Choose…

Time is such a funny thing. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, because I seeming have so much more of it and simultaneously feel like I’m not actually doing anything with it. Like I said in my last post, I’m trying to be gentle with myself and not be too upset when I’m not as productive as I’d like to be. If my mind and heart aren’t in it for a couple hours or a day, I’m trying to gently guide myself towards a different choice that may not exactly check something big or important off my list but is better than sleeping as a defense mechanism or scrolling Insta again for the 5th time that hour. As I’ve been thinking about the strange way time seems to be passing now, and since we’ve been at this whole all-home-all-the-time thing for a while now, I decided to do a journal entry on what I think I’ve been spending my time on the most and whether or not those things have been bringing me joy and peace. I decided to share my journal entry with you because I thought it might be interesting for you to read, and also because I definitely think it will be interesting for you to write your own...

An account of my time:

It’s been interesting to see how I’ve been choosing to spend my time now that it’s seemingly unlimited and I have very little if anything that I actually HAVE to do. In fact, most everything that I used to do with my time that always seemed like such a necessity, is basically gone now. So, I’ve been noticing how everything I’m doing with my time feels like an active choice much more now than it did before. Here are my choices-

I am doing virtual off ice lessons with some of my students which is bringing a little bit of normalcy back to my life. I still get to teach, and I feel like I’m helping my students at least maintain if not gain more strength, flexibility, and body awareness for when we can get back out on the ice. These lessons have been a highlight of my day because I feel like I’m still doing what I love (in a slightly modified form) and I’m helping bring a little human connection and movement back into my students’ lives during this strange time.

I’ve been walking the dogs. A LOT. Going back to normal life is going to be really tough because I’ve been loving this time with the pups so, so much. New Lady Lexi is AMAZING and I’m so glad I have this time to spend with her. I’m really not sure how I feel about spending as much time away from home as I did pre-pandemic. We’ll see how that evolves, I guess. Taking them for long walks and runs has been super therapeutic for me and wonderful for them. They’re so happy to be outside and spending time with me, and I am, too! Taking them out is basically the only time I get to be outside, so I’m super grateful for that. Their little souls really do enrich our lives. Every second I spend with them truly makes me feel grounded, happy, and whole. 

I am SO happy that I’ve been COOKING! I used to cook a lot, and really enjoyed it, but lately (like, for the past couple of YEARS, lately...) I have literally not been cooking at all. And now I’m making almost every meal! I’m realizing that I didn’t want to cook because I always felt pressed for time and chose to order in or pick something up on the way home because whatever else I had on my mind seemed much more deserving of my time. For future times, I’d really like to find a way to adjust my schedule and my mindset so I feel less frantic and exhausted, because I’m realizing that I really do love to cook, but I need to be in the right mental space to do it. 

Cleaning! I’ve been cleaning! I used to HATE to clean, but I’m totally surprising myself by doing it a lot, and actually enjoying it! (?!?!) In pre-pandemic times, I had just finished Marie Kondo-ing most of my stuff and this helped IMMENSELY with making me actually want to clean on a more regular basis. She says this in her books, but having a neat space with not too much stuff in it, and only stuff that brings you joy, helps to make you actually want to keep it looking nice because it’s so important to you. When you have a lot of miscellaneous stuff lying around that you don’t really care about, you won’t have strong feelings about the space to begin with, so it doesn’t matter whether it’s clean or not because the space doesn’t really matter to you at all. But if you only have things that are very important to you and bring you joy (thanks, Marie), you want to make sure they get all the love and attention they deserve, and VOILA- the desire to clean is born. I’ve also naturally been doing a little bit of cleaning at a time- I’ll do the bathroom sink one day, vacuum another day, mop the floors another day, stove another...which is what all the clean freak blogs say to do, but I could never convince myself to actually do it. It’s so interesting that I’m naturally doing it now without even thinking. Definitely hoping this desire sticks for future times...

I’ve also been doing some really cool online salsa classes with instructors I can’t normally take class with. To be honest, I hardly ever had time to take class at all in pre-pandemic times, and I’m loving the opportunity to learn from those I admire most on my own time. I hope that these teachers will continue to offer online class options, because I will certainly continue to take advantage of it in future times!

As terrible as this time is, I am grateful that I have been able to focus on what’s positive. (As small and selfish as those positives may be...) I am grateful that I am in good health and have a safe home to shelter in. I am grateful for all the heroes out there fighting to heal and fighting to keep the gears of the world turning so this virus doesn’t make absolutely everything grind to a halt. I am grateful that I can take this time to learn more about myself and what’s important to me and I am grateful that I am learning a new mindset that I can take with me out into the future. The power of choice is incredible. The energetic shift within me when I think “I have to go to do this” vs. “I am choosing to do this with my whole heart” is momentous. It is so much easier and more wonderful to go about my day making conscious, joyful choices. It helps me see the beauty in everything I do and makes all my thoughts and actions more meaningful. In high school, when we would complain about having to take a test, my English teacher (and one of the most influential people in my whole life and favorite people of all time) used to say “you don’t have to take this test.” The first time she said it we were so surprised and happy! Omg it’s optional! We don’t have to take it! And she said “you’ll get a zero on the test if you don’t take it, but no one is forcing you to do it.” That was the first time I learned the power of choice, and it seems like I may have forgotten along the way to real adulthood, but now I remember. I choose the things that are important to me. And I choose them every moment of every day with a grateful, grounded heart. 💪🏼💜✊🏼