It’s ok. You can just be.

So, after that last post when I thought I had found a way to blast through my writer’s block...I got stuck again. I started 2 new posts with different lists- the “Things I Miss” list and “Things I’ve Learned” list. Turns out, the Things I Miss are very closely related to everything I’m grateful for. Annnnd, I really didn’t get far on the Things I’ve Learned list. I keep getting so tired and overwhelmed.

My friend just sent me this great NY Times article that FINALLY addressed what I’ve really been thinking and feeling lately. And what no one seems to be addressing. Even though I’m safe and happy and have unlimited time to work on everything I’ve been putting off because I’m always “too busy,” I find myself sleeping on the couch, reading articles, scrolling Instagram, and playing with my pups. (Oh, yeah. Also...got a new Lady Dawg! More on her amazing self in a bit...) I feel like I just don’t have the mental capacity to do anything “real.” This article really hits the nail on the head- it’s OK to not be productive. This is an incredibly stressful time- we are starting at a deficit because literally EVERYTHING is upside down and out of our control. Our lives are being dictated by an unpredictable microscopic virus, and, as a result, we have very little control over anything right now, which is completely mind boggling. None of our normal tactics to motivate will work because the entire landscape of the world has changed. The biggest thing that matters now is collectively, not only as a city, state, or nation, but as a WORLD, keeping as many people safe as possible and saving as many human lives as we can. That self development course you’ve been meaning to finish or that book you’ve been meaning to write or that website you’ve been meaning to set up really seem to pale in comparison to a huge chunk of the world’s population being eliminated. And, especially for those of us who thrive by being active and exacting change, it’s very difficult to accept that the best (and most times, only) thing we can do is...nothing. Stay home, don’t interact with people, and don’t do...anything. This is so counterintuitive to much of what us go-getters have learned throughout our lives, and I think this is a big part of what is exhausting me. What’s down is up and up is down. This takes a lot of brain power to wrap your head around. So, if you’re like me and you need someone to tell you this- I’m giving you permission to ACTUALLY listen to your heart. This is probably the most important thing that will come out of this time- learning how to truly sit with the quiet and listen to your soul. What do you REALLY need today? Do you need to spend the day on the couch? Do you need to write in your journal? Do you need to meditate? Take a walk? Call a friend? Or maybe you do need to write that book, build that website, or finish that course you’ve been meaning to do. Whatever your little heart desires...THAT is what you should do. Take this time to learn how to just be. Surrender. You’re not supposed to change the world right now, you’re supposed to save it. And the way you do that is by staying safe, sane, and staying home. 

If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. stephanie@stephaniekspencer.com

Oh, and that article I mentioned:

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/01/style/productivity-coronavirus.html?referringSource=articleShare

💪🏼🌎💜

My "Grateful For" List

So, here we are... It’s been over two weeks since the rink closed on Thursday March 12th (that’s how I’ve personally been measuring how long this “new normal” has been) and I haven’t felt like writing. I thought I would want to write all the time and would be so excited to finally get the chance to reach out to you all more often, but I’ve been feeling stuck. I haven’t known what to say. I have so many emotions swirling around my own head about this whole situation and then when I start to think about how different everyone else’s experience is around the country and around the world, I get overwhelmed and tongue tied. (Or, finger tied, as the case may be…) So, I’ve decided to hang out with the elephant in the room, give her a big hug, bring her in to the conversation, and write some lists I’ve been thinking about a lot.

Today’s list- 5 Things I’m Grateful for:

1. My parents. Let’s start here. I’m so grateful for all my parents have done for me and taught me over the years. I feel that their guidance has truly helped me weather this storm and remain open, positive, and resourceful during an incredibly difficult time. They taught me empathy, they taught me to be an independent thinker, and they taught me to be strong and to never, ever give up.

2. My extended family and friends. My favorite moments of this period have been video calls and texts from my friends and family. I’ve realized that I definitely do not make enough time to connect with the people who matter most to me in regular daily life, and I promise to be better at it when we come out of this on the other side. Both for myself and for those I love. I am so grateful for zoom game nights, online salsa fests, heart to hearts, virtual hugs, and all the love and support I’ve received from my peeps both near and far. I love you so, so much and I am so grateful to have you all in my life. You know who you are.

3. My dog! I literally cannot express how important he is to me and how grateful I am for this gift of being able to spend so much time with him. (He’s happily snoozing on my lap as I’m writing this.) He’s been a huge comfort through this whole ordeal, and going out on long walks with him has been a lifesaver for me. It’s definitely going to be hard going back to having to leave him for a couple hours every day…

4. My mind (and my education). This one goes hand in hand with being grateful for my parents…first of all, because they always nurtured my deep sense of curiosity and my desire to learn, and secondly because they always taught me the importance of a good academic education. Let’s start with my drive to learn- this desire to keep my mind and body active by learning and practicing new things is helping to keep me sane in these crazy times. Even in the moments when I feel like staying glued to the couch, my experience reminds me that I will feel better if I do that online salsa class, or yoga class, or just a simple workout. And I am grateful for that.

Now onto being grateful for my academic education. When I was younger, I didn’t fully understand why getting a good academic education was so important, but it has been becoming more and more apparent to me in many ways lately. I’d like to write a longer blog post just on this, but I’ll try to keep it short for this one. I am incredibly grateful that my education has given me the ability to understand and analyze the information I’m taking in about this crisis. Too often, I take for granted my ability to read, write, and process information. I know many are not as lucky as I am to have these abilities and to be able to use them without thinking twice.

I have been learning everything I can about this pandemic- listening to countless podcasts, reading articles, watching news reports- because I believe that it is so, SO important to be informed and armed with FACTS during a time like this. There is so much misinformation, incomplete information, and downright lies circulating, and I am so grateful that I know how to think for myself and that I can go out and find the real facts and know to listen to the opinions of those who are most experienced in dealing with the issues surrounding this crisis. When you’re going through school, you don’t think the skills you learned from analyzing a novel in an English paper will help you survive a global pandemic, but they will. You don’t think that your middle school science teacher’s obsession with getting you to understand that you can’t believe everything your friends tell you they read on the internet will someday save your life or someone else’s. But this is exactly what is saving or endangering human lives right now. Facts and logical thinking literally save lives and lies/misinformation lead to bad decisions that have disastrous consequences. Make informed decisions for yourself and those you come into contact with, and make sure what you hear from people in positions of power are fact not fiction.

5. My body. I definitely do not say thank you enough to my body and all it does for me. Not only does it allow me to enjoy the things I love to do most- skating, teaching, and dancing- but it also keeps me sane by allowing me to stay healthy enough to take walks with my dog and cook meals I love in my kitchen. Hearing horror stories about strong, healthy people getting struck down by this virus has made me realize just how much my body does for me. And when this is all over, I am most definitely going to keep thanking it over and over again by giving it time to move, good food to eat, and rest when it needs it. I wouldn’t be able to experience this wonderful thing called life without ya, body of mine. So, thank you. I love you.

And, there you have it! My list for today. It was incredibly helpful for me to write all this down, and I hope it has been helpful for you to read it. I highly recommend writing your own list. Journaling (and in turn, blogging!) has been another wonderful blessing this pause has given me, and I suggest you give it a try. You might just learn some new things about yourself you never knew you had in there… Stay strong, stay smart, and stay safe. 💪🏼💜😊

The New NormaL

So, so, so much has happened in the last couple hours not to mention the last couple days. I’ve been wanting to write, but I’m having so much trouble wrapping my head around everything that’s been happening, every time I tried to sit down and write this post, I decided to sleep or watch/read something mindless instead to try and get a clearer head. I’ve realized it’s not going to get any clearer. What’s happening is unprecedented. In the past week, I’ve gone from trying to take big steps in the direction of my dreams to reading every single article and scientific analysis of the COVID-19 outbreak. I feel that it is of utmost importance to stay on top of the facts as this ever fluid situation unfolds. Get as much news as you can directly from verified sources so you can formulate educated opinions and make informed decisions. Our health as a world depends on it. I’ve been reading countless articles from The NY Times and listening to their podcasts (a couple very informative episodes of The Daily this past week) and I’m so grateful to all the journalists and scientists and experts who are working so hard to get the facts out there. 

If you’re getting overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all, stop. Breathe. Pet your dog. Hug your boyfriend. Get outside and go for a walk. This makes a HUGE difference and will help ground you in the present moment so you can come back to yourself. Take this time to journal, meditate, sit with your thoughts, and understand what is truly most important to you. As horrible as this situation is for so many, many reasons, I am grateful that it has shown me exactly what I value most and what is unnecessary in my life. I had already been going through a massive purge of my clothes / belongings (thanks, Marie Kondo!), and the Coronavirus is only making what I was already learning more clear. The rink closed on Thursday and my first thought was how sad I was that I wouldn’t be able to teach. I would no longer have access to those who are eager to learn about my passion. I could no longer pass along the joy of conquering your fears, the thrill of breaking down a roadblock and learning a new skill, or the self confidence that comes from falling down 100 times and getting up 101. Having this taken away from me has peeled away the layers of “I’m tired” and “my feet hurt” and shown me that teaching is something that truly brings me joy. I plan to find new ways to teach what I’ve learned and what I love in this new landscape as soon as possible. 

I’ve also learned how important friends and family are to me. Almost immediately, I started reaching out to those I am closest with and sharing articles, asking their opinion, expressing my concerns, bouncing ideas off of them... I have an incredible network of wonderful, intelligent, compassionate, supportive humans around me and I look forward to finding ways to rely on them even more as we all move forward into the uncertain future. I urge you to call on your tribe. We need each other now more than ever. And, even though it’s not quite as good as the real thing, a FaceTime hug is still better than sitting alone in isolation. Your people are still out there. You can still get to them. It just might look a little different for a while. 

I’ve also realized how important my dog is to me. He is laying wrapped around me as I write, and I could not be more grateful for his presence. I promise to take him for even more walks now that I’ll be spending more time at home. The connection we have is truly priceless. I value all the precious moments we share so very much, and I can’t wait to have more of them. Maybe we’ll finally get that puppy we’ve been talking about...or foster a dog in need. More furry friend time is always welcomed in my house. 😊

Another thing I’m looking forward to in the coming weeks is to finally have enough time to cook. I’ve been wanting to get back to making meals for myself literally for years, and it just hasn’t happened. Life keeps getting in the way, and NYC makes it way too easy to find time sensitive alternatives. The home workouts are also definitely going to be off the hook. More yoga, more TRX, more innovative jungle gym exercises on the couch...get ready. 

Finally, I’m excited to share more about my journey with you guys. I’ve been having trouble sitting down to write lately, and this is the perfect excuse to finish all those half written posts that have been sitting around for the last couple months. I have so much to share, and I’m grateful that now I have the time to do it. 

So, wherever you are, I hope you and your loved ones are safe and healthy. I hope you can use this time to find all the things you’re grateful for amongst all the chaos, and I hope you can take time to discover what is truly closest to your heart and what sets your soul on fire. And if you can- please, please, PLEASE stay home. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself and others. Oh, and wash your damn hands. 😊🧼💪🏼