“Have you ever written anything before?”
“Well, have you?” This is what my college advisor (and one of my fave professors) said to me as I was siting in his office junior year asking for him to sign off on me taking a creative writing class that was usually reserved for freshmen and sophomores. “I mean, not really, I guess. Other than papers and stuff...and I write in my journal...? But I love writing and I’d like the opportunity to do more!”
....He sent me packing and told me to pick a class that made more sense for my interests. I was SOPISSED. (No typo there, I was so mad SOPISSED is all one word.) He’s still one of my fave professors to this day, but what the hell, dude?! Aren’t you supposed to be inspiring!? You just stomped on my dreams! Humph. Who was he to tell me what I did and didn’t like...
Well, fast forward to a couple months ago when I started this post (and never finished) and realized that he wasn’t telling me I didn’t want to write, he was CHALLENGING me to write. Duh, Stephanie. He was hoping I’d go home and furiously write the next great American novel and plop it down on his desk. And then he would have signed off so I could have registered for that creative writing class. But, I didn’t. I fumed for a while and then went about my life as it was. And now, all these years later, I’m finally starting to write. I guess it just wasn’t time back then. Maybe I needed to live a little more life first before I started pouring it all out...who knows. All I know is that it’s time to write now.
As you can probably figure out from what I’ve been writing these past few weeks, I’ve been struggling. Not a lot. Not even close to the way a lot of people are struggling in so many different ways around the world right now, but I’m definitely struggling. I’ve been listening furiously to Brené Brown’s podcasts (which you should listen to), and just devoured Glennon Doyle’s new book Untamed (which you should read)...hoping to bring some fullness and understanding to the way I’ve been feeling. But, mostly it’s just been numbness. And naps. I’ve been trying to write a blog post all day and I haven’t known what to write about. I feel like I’ve been trying to do something for a long time (like, years) and haven’t known what. I’ve been getting lots of little clues here and there, but the giant, brilliant, clarifying idea for my life’s work STILL hadn’t fallen out of the sky and onto my head. WTF, Universe? I’ve been trying little things here and there, but this blog is really the only thing that has stuck and it’s the only thing that has felt like I’m taking a step in the right direction. Writing these blog posts just feels...right. Apparently. Anyway, today I woke up late, took the dogs for a walk (productive), ate breakfast at lunchtime (sort of productive), napped for 2 hrs (not productive, but trying to be gentle with myself and not judge too much), read a bunch of different things for a couple hours (productive) but kept getting really distracted (not productive), worked out a little (productive but half-hearted), took the dogs for another hour-long walk (productive! And made me feel a lot better...), cooked dinner, and then I watched a couple of Glennon Doyle’s morning meetings on Instagram. The first one was this one from this morning:
https://www.instagram.com/tv/B_SMqhzjPrr/?igshid=1462utvbaozr8
This one definitely hit home, especially since I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to be a woman in today’s society and questioning why I feel the way I feel about so many things... I sent it to my mom and then I watched this one...
https://www.instagram.com/tv/B_NBWjvDiqQ/?igshid=7g2z479796kx
And BAM. I’m sobbing at my kitchen table over my (delicious) zucchini and meatballs. She literally made this post FOR. ME. (Bet you didn’t know that, but thanks, Glennon!) “People who aren’t writers don’t wonder all day if they’re a writer...ok?” Oh, my God, Glennon. You’re right. You’re so right! Thank you for dropping this post out of the sky and onto my head. This post was EXACTLY the spark I needed. Guess what, Professor Billings...I’M A WRITER. AND I’M GONNA WRITE! I’ve been thinking about it literally for over a DECADE, and, yes, Glennon, I am “wildly envious” of other writers. How did you know!? NOTHING hurts like the thing we know we could do if we were a little bit braver. Amen, sister. All I can say is, thank you, Glennon for being the final bright red flashing arrow to help me understand that this is something I need to do. It may have taken me years, but I’m ready to plop down that next great American novel. Except it’s not going to be for Professor Billings, it’s going to be for me. So, #daybyday. I’m gonna avoid deathbed regret. Starting now. ✌🏼